Prior to this week it had been at least four weeks since any realtor had come to show our house. This was not entirely unexpected, as I don't know that many people go house-shopping immediately prior to Christmas.

On Wednesday our realtor called to discuss lowering the asking price. I had no qualms about teling him to do so, as I had thought his intial suggestion was too high in the first place. Being that it is, technically, my house (check the deed), and also because Robert isn't the boss of me, I told the realtor on the spot to go ahead and bring the price down.

The very next day, Thursday, I got a call in the morning that someone wanted to show the house at 2:00. I tore through the place like a poodle on espresso for three hours, getting it ready. An hour after I got back in the house following the showing the phone rang again. Someone was wanting to come this morning at 10. No problem! The house was already clean so the kids and I took to the streets while the people looked around. We had literally just gotten back and I had the key in the door when the phone started ringing again. It was our realtor. There was another realtor who happened to be just up the street and was wanting to stop by. So we were off on another walk again. When we got back I checked my messages and there was yet another message from our guy's office that still MORE people wanted to come at 3:00 this afternoon!

I don't know what it is; whether it was the lowering of the price (we only brought it down by $3k but it put it into an entirely different price bracket) or whether it is that people were waiting till after Christmas to house-shop - or a combination of both, but I have renewed (though still cautious) optimism about the whole situation. We haven't even buried the St. Joseph statue yet. We have one on order and it will probably arrive next week. So we have the warm bodies and we will soon have a little divine intervention. Perhaps the end is in sight!

I am going in-freaking-sane here.

It's not enough that I'm suffering post-Christmas letdown mingled with disappointment at my CA trip not happening and sprinkled liberally with stress about having to move. But I was just sitting here, thinking, and I realized I am not even sure when was the last time I left the house, save for a late-night drive-thru run. I am thinking it's been at least five days since I went anywhere properly. With Robert being so busy the past couple of weeks I have just been having him run errands for me because, by the time he gets home and I could have the car, everything is closed.

This is just so, SO not good, people. You are talking about a person that used to leave the house every single day. If I didn't have a legitimate reason for going out I would invent something. I'd go in person to a business to ask them a question when a phone call from home would've sufficed -- just for the sake of going somewhere. I used to get antsy and out-of-sorts if I hadn't left town in a month and now I am going days on end without even leaving the house, and when I do leave it's no further than Walmart or the church. And now I'm feeling like a caged lab rat; one who's been confined its entire life and is unaware there's a world outside the front door. That might be okay for some people but it is NOT okay for me. I don't like that I've started feeling like, when I do have the opportunity to go somewhere, that it's more trouble than it's worth and that I'd rather just skip it and stay home. For other people that is a personality trait (which I totally respect) but for me it indicates psychological issues, and I'm not kidding. I've taken to sleeping most of the afternoon away and that means one of only two things: I'm dying of some dread disease or I am having a rough time of it, mentally. The Crazy, it be setting in.

A car for me looms on the horizon but, realistically, is probably still a couple months off. I've just had it. This is such a pathetic (and embarrassing) situation to be in. Don't even get me started on how people who are way poorer than us, people who are on WELFARE have two cars, but we just can't seem to swing it. I have given up trying to understand. All I can do is try to continue to be patient and hope that, once I actually do get a vehicle, I will be able to recondition myself to being a part of the world and not just living inside my own head.

First off, I want to marry this woman: A rubber soul was saved by St. Lennon

Secondly, how can this not get you in the holiday spirit?
For the guinea pig who has everything

Happy Christmas, everybody. And Happy Hannukah to you, Dave.

Well, the California trip? Not gonna happen. Today was the first time I would've (financially) been able to book a ticket and there is NOTHING available in my price range. Well, if I wanted to leave on Christmas day I'd be golden but anything you click on past that says "sold out." The cheapest thing I could find on the dates I actually needed was $575 and that is simply impossible right now, especially when you figure in rental car, spending money, the dress, the hair, etc.

I am disappointed but do feel an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders in regards to the guilt I was feeling about trying to push the trip through when we really couldn't afford it. We have already decided we will be going out for Spring Break so hopefully next month things will have improved to where we can book our tickets early and get good fares.

I just hope my friend can understand and forgive me for pulling out of the wedding at the last minute! If it had been in May, as originally planned, it wouldn't have been a problem but the end of December was too soon after getting the new restaurant open for us to be able to manage it.

(And just so you don't think I'm a total jerk, she did realize, when she called a few weeks ago to tell me it was being moved to Jan. 1st, that I might not be able to make the trip. She knows about our current situation!)

Gmail has RSS feeds at the top of the page now, and when you open your spam folder, to be silly, they have Spam recipes along the top. I was clearing out my spam folder just now and noticed one that begins such:

Vineyard Spam Salad

Combine grapes, Spam, peapods and onions in large bowl.....

I was afraid to click on it and see what else was included in the recipe. In my humble opinion, anything that starts out with the words "combine grapes and Spam" goes completely against the laws of nature. That is messing with forces that ought not to be messed with. I am not sure what all will be involved when the apocalypse happens but I'm willing to wager Spam will figure into it quite heavily.

#1: Make it illegal for anyone - AN. Y. ONE. - to record, remodel, revamp, remix or in any other way f*** with any original song ever recorded by either the Beatles, as a group, or John, Paul, George or Ringo separately, effective immediately. Any projects currently "in the works" must be immediately abandoned and the masters burned or otherwise disposed of. All recordings made prior to this edict are now illegal to be played on any radio station with the following exception. A national radio station will be set up which will play nothing but these remakes, followed immediately by the original version. The remakes will be prefaced by a bumper that identifies them as the "sucky version" and the originals will be i.d.'ed as the "good version." (Alternately they may be referred to as "the crime against humanity" and "the one true way," respectively.) The station must be heavily promoted with the disclaimer: "Listening to this radio station could cause nausea, excessive uncontrollable twitching, the urge run over your radio with a Humvee, nightmares, or the desire to ram an ice pick into one's eardrums."

Severe fines and other assorted punishments will be swiftly dealt to those who do not follow the letter of the law.

#2: There shall be two exceptions to the above rule: Paul and Ringo may sing or record any song that has ever been written at any time they chose to do so. The tariff imposed for this privilege will be an annual visit made by each to me, the Queen. Private concerts must be performed during the visits in odd-numbered years but the even-numbered years may consist of simply dinner and conversation. No wives will be allowed in attendance.

#3: Anyone spreading rumours about why I have decreed no wives may be in attendance will be roundly upbraided because it's not what you think, you perverts. While, being the Queen of the Freakin' Universe, I could legally require them to do all manner of things, it's really only because I want to have a real heart-to-heart conversation with them with no distractions or interruptions.

#4: I want salt bagels and potato knishes and I want them NOW. Someone better find me a damned delicatessen baker for my staff or heads are going to roll.

So we have an artificial tree that is pre-lit. Cosmo has taken to sleeping under it since there are no gifts, which doesn't bother me (except I will probably have to have my tree skirt drycleaned for all the hair *sigh* ).

The other day I saw him gnawing at something at the bottom of the tree. I thought he was just chewing on the branch part and I yelled at him and he ran away.

Well, yesterday I got down there to straighten the skirt and I found broken light bulb lying on the tree skirt. That colossal MORON is chewing on the Christmas lights!!!! WHILE THEY'RE PLUGGED IN, I might add!

I caught him at it again today and squirted the ever-loving crap out of him with a water bottle. I figure the dimwit is either going to electrocute himself, Christmas Vacation-style, or he will ingest glass and die of internal injuries.

Natural selection at work, folks.

(By the way, I understand that he is a CAT and has no grasp of the concept that electricity = not for eating. What I don't get is, why the hell is he doing it in the first place? What on earth could be even remotely appealing about gnawing a glass lightbulb? Really, is he THAT bored? Because I could totally borrow the neighbors' insane cocker spaniels and turn them loose in the house if he needs something to do. It's no problem. Really.)

Long story short: I have a friend in California who is getting married on New Year's Day and wants me in the wedding. It was originally planned for May and they only just moved it a few weeks ago so there was some doubt as to whether I'd be able to make it or not. I swore to do my darnedest, though, as she and I have been friends since the third grade -- and it appears it is actually going to happen.

Now what sets this trip apart from the usual (besides the fact that I'm going to participate in a wedding, which I haven't done in over 10 years) is that I am going without children. Yes, that's right -- footloose and child-free in California. I have not gone home without a child in tow in more than five years now. Neither the opportunity nor the motive had ever arisen before, plus I had the vague notion my parents would not let me in the door if I arrived without Madalyn. Now that the situation is at hand and I have spoken to my mom about it I begin to realize that, after all, I was around long before the two kids were and maybe the parental units would enjoy a short visit with me and me alone. After all, I have been feeding my very own self for a number of years now, I don't throw screaming fits over Little People figures and I can be relied upon to be responsible for my own bodily functions. It will probably be a nice break for them, as well as myself.

I, personally, am thinking about all the fun I will be able to have, sans offspring. I love them dearly, and will miss them, but the simple fact of the matter is things are about a frillion times easier when all I am responsible for is me, myself and I. Seriously, if you don't quite get what I'm talking about I invite you to take my five-year-old and my two-year-old, schlepp them three hours to the airport, fly 1500 miles then drive another 2-4 hours, all in one day. It's quite the experience. I am used to it now, having been doing it for quite a while, but it is still extremely low on the "fun" scale.

Then, once we get there, it's not all vacation. Yes, we do manage to do fun and enjoyable things. But even just running out to get something to eat is a major project, not to mention quite an expense. I don't feel right in asking my mom to babysit them too often so my opportunities to, say, catch a movie or a nice, quiet dinner are few and far between. Actually, the opportunities for a nice, quiet anything are few and far between. That includes an evening of television viewing with the 'rents, which is something I enjoy, but which is punctuated, start to finish, with screaming, crying, snack requests, book requests, and fights over toys whenever the little darlings are around. And just TRY to shop with those two! I end up browsing while my poor mom corrals the little heathens and tries to keep them from wrecking the place. So, yes, I can see many perks to taking this trip on my own. I mean, just to be able to sleep in the morning as long as I want and leave the house at noon and not have to be back by 12:30 for naptime -- it will be heavenly, I tell you.

I guess I owe someone an extra-big wedding gift by way of saying "thanks for the opportunity."

....it can't get no worse!"

Love that line, kids. In case you don't know, that's from "Getting Better" off Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. It tickles me to no end every time I hear it. There's Paul being...well, Paul, all optimistic and hopeful, "It's getting better all the time!" And then there's the typical John countering with "It can't get no worse!" Oh, how I love those boys!

Anyway, I feel like it pretty much sums up things around here right now. As Robert keeps saying, really, we have nowhere to go but up. It does appear things might be getting better for us financially. Several things have happened just in the past day or two that are benefitting us quite a bit. We are going to be able to pay the deposit on the house on the 15th, like we said we would, with no problem whatsoever. I am actually going to be able to go up to Norman next weekend and complete my Christmas shopping and probably be able to buy whatever I want (within reason, obviously; we're not talking plasma televisions or anything). I will be able to go to Toys R' Us, buy the kids the rest of the stuff I want for them, go to Petsmart and buy the drinking fountain I've been meaning to get the cats for two years now, find some things for Robert and possibly treat myself to a little something. I am probably going to take myself to a movie while I'm at it -- make a real day of it. (This is next Sunday, by the way, so if anyone wants to join me, give me a holler.) I haven't had a proper shopping day in I-don't-know-how-long. It may not sound like much but it's a big deal to me. I am not a window shopper. Looking at things and not being able to buy them makes me unhappy. And for so long now, so long, I have had to do more looking than buying. That probably sounds horribly spoiled, and maybe it is. It just seems like all I've done for the past couple of years is look. Pick up ten things and put seven of them back because there's just no money to get all of it. And I'm not just talking about luxury items. Sometimes it's been minor items; things people normally toss in the cart and don't think twice about. It's just been a constant, "We'll have to wait on this, that and the other thing and maybe we can get it next time." So just to be able to go and pick up all the rest of the things I wanted for my kids and still have money to shop for something decent for my husband is going to be heavenly. And if I manage to have enough left over for a little treat for myself that's just all the better.

Lest anyone think that my optimistic outlook on the future is based solely on one shopping trip I need to clarify that things are looking a bit better for the long-term. The shopping is merely a side effect of the improvements; it's just that it's a very large symbol of hope to me, personally, since it represents something I haven't been able to do in quite some time. Now, are we out of the woods yet? Nope. There are still unanswered questions, things up in the air. We will know more after the first of the year. But some things have finally gone our way and steps have been taken to dig ourselves out of the hole in which we've been languishing. I have been fairly pessimistic up till now but I am, finally, allowing myself a glimmer of hope that things are actually going to turn around for us.

We could still use some prayers, good thoughts, or whatever you may be inclined to offer. This house needs to sell as soon as possible (another positive - we are actually going to come away with money in our pockets when all is said and done!) There are still certain things that need to happen, or need to go well in order for us to really prosper. Like I said, we aren't out of the woods yet. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel -- and, for once, I don't think it's an oncoming train.

Is it wrong that my toddler's quirks of speech make me want to sprinkle sugar on his head, slap some butter on him and eat him up? Perhaps I shouldn't be cheering mispronunciations but he is just so damned cute I can't help myself.

Madalyn's aberrations never affected me this way. But then, there was very little she couldn't pronounce properly. Really the only thing she consistently had trouble with was the "th" sound. She filled it in with either 'd' or, alternately, 'f.' ('That' was "dat" but 'bath' was "baff"). Now, while there was some enjoyment in "fumb" (thumb) and "funder" (thunder) the cuteness quotient was relatively low. Madalyn has never ranked high on the cutesy scale. Pretty? Yes. Intelligent? Of course. Evil genius? Yep, she's got that covered. She's just not a "cute" kind of kid. I don't know why; it's just, out of the long list of complimentary words I could conjure to describe her, "cute" is not one that springs to mind in association.

Now, her brother, on the other hand, is going to give me a cuteness overdose. He can't pronounce 'r' or 'l' so he substitutes 'w' in their place. The next time I hear him talk about "Chicken Widdle" I may well go into sugar shock. The 'st' combination at the beginning of words gives him trouble, too, and he has come up with the very unique 'fw' combo to replace it. If you are annoying him you may well be told to "Fwop it!" And don't even get me started on strawberries. They are "fwahdiddies." I mean, come on! Fwahdiddies. You can't get much better than that. When I hear that I wish someone would invent a time-freeze ray so I can stop him just where he is for a little while longer.

I'm shouting all about love
While they treated you like a dog
When you were the one who had made it
so clear
All those years ago.

I'm talking all about how to give
They don't act with much honesty
But you point the way to the truth when you say
All you need is love.

Living with good and bad
I always look up to you
Now we're left cold and sad
By someone the devil's best friend
Someone who offended all.

We're living in a bad dream
They've forgotten all about mankind
And you were the one they backed up to
the wall
All those years ago
You were the one who Imagined it all
All those years ago.

Deep in the darkest night
I send out a prayer to you
Now in the world of light
Where the spirit free of the lies
And all else that we despised.

They've forgotten all about God
He's the only reason we exist
Yet you were the one that they said was
so weird
All those years ago
You said it all though not many had ears
All those years ago
You had control of our smiles and our tears
All those years ago

(by George Harrison)

In case you missed yesterday's post: I had an ultrasound yesterday and they found nothing -- no baby. I have not confirmed the term with my doctor but I am pretty sure it is what they would consider a "blighted ovum." I guess the egg got fertilized and set my body off thinking it was pregnant but then it just never developed past that first stage.

I had started spotting a few weeks ago but it was a very small amount and was mostly brown, plus I had no cramps so I was still optimistic it was nothing too bad. However, since that never happened with either of my other pregnancies I also realized it could mean something wrong. I went to my GP since I didn't have prenatal care set up yet. She wanted to "wait and see" but I insisted on an ultrasound. I'm glad I did because the worst was not knowing.

As for me....well, I guess, to pin my main feeling down, it's disappointment. I hope everyone understands I am NOT speaking for anyone else who has had this situation or telling them how to feel. But for ME, personally, it helps a LOT to know it was never really a baby. I think if it had developed into a baby and had a heartbeat and then died I would feel a thousand times worse. Basically with this we had a fertilized egg which never went beyond that stage. It was just my stupid body didn't realize what had happened until much later. It had all still seemed so unreal to me I hadn't really bonded with what I thought was the baby. I had made plans, though, and now knowing those plans won't happen is disappointing and saddening.

I am hanging in there, though. Today I really feel pretty good. Wishing I hadn't put everybody through this, of course, and worrying a little about the whole possible D&C aspect. (We will speak to the doctor today about how we are supposed to find out if everything is out or not.)

Our current plan is to focus on Christmas and moving this month. We found a place to rent already. Our lease starts at the beginning of January so we have lots to do. The idea is to get Christmas done and get moved and then, after the first of the year, we will figure out how we want to proceed -- meaning, do we want to try to facilitate our having a third child, which we had both gotten used to and excited about, or do we cut our losses and quit while we are ahead? I am glad I don't have to think about it right now because I honestly have no clue how I feel. I definitely need some more space between this and making my decision. And I have SO much to do this month. I have a friend in CA who is getting married on New Year's Day and wants me in the wedding so I may be running out there by myself for a few days for that -- in the midst of moving!

I want to thank everyone for their support in this. I also wanted to let everyone know that, yes, I am sad and disappointed but I am NOT depressed or devastated and please, don't anyone feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me or give me any special treatment. The way I deal with things is to move on and go about my normal routine. I avoided people all day yesterday because I wasn't ready to hash out the entire story. But now I'd like to make a clean breast of it here and then get everything back to normal. I really do have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season and I'm not one to wallow so please don't feel like I need to be handled with kid gloves or anything.

Thanks to everyone for all your kind comments, prayers, thoughts, etc!

I'm not even sure what to say so I will just say it. I had an ultrasound today and there's no baby. So that's that. I don't really want to talk about it right now but I thought I'd put it on here so the news gets out and saves me from having to tell as many people.

You know, all I ask for is little stuff. Please let us stay in our house, please let us be able to pay our bills on time, please let the pregnancy be okay. Does any of it happen? No. It's like somebody is sitting at the controls somewhere thinking, "Okay, now what other crap can we heap on these people just to be sadistic? Financial ruin isn't enough. Hey! I know, how about a miscarriage! Perfect!" This is what I get as a reward for trying to be a good person as I go through my life. I may as well go become a lying, cheating criminal. I'm sure it can't bring me much worse than what I'm already getting.