Folks, I am the very definition of torn.

All along I have planned to attend Abbey Road on the River (world's largest Beatles festival in Louisville, KY) and take Eliza with me. I have traveled, alone, with babies before so I didn't think it would be an issue. Now I'm having second (and third, and fourth) thoughts. I've even gone so far as to email the AROTR people to make sure the weekend pass (already purchased) can be returned for a full refund.

I had thought that I could get a sling and wear Eliza in it all weekend and everything would be hunky-dory. I'm not really sure that would work, though. She is still on a funky schedule; that is, NO schedule. I can't be sure what she will do from one day to the next. I have no reason to think she would sleep in the sling, so what am I supposed to do? Spend half the day in the hotel room while she naps? What good does that do? And what about nights? She is up every 2-3 hours to begin with and then starts giving me real trouble around 4 a.m. I am tired, people. T. I. R. E. D. I have no reason to expect her to change in the next 25 days. She might.....but she probably won't. Sure, we could sleep in like we do here at home sometimes but then I'm missing part of the day's events, which is the entire reason for me being there in the first place. Also it gives me some anxiety about whether we're disturbing the sleep of our hotel neighbors.

Plus there's the logistical aspect of it all. It's a big trip to make by myself with a newborn. Do I splurge and buy her a seat on the plane or do I hold her the entire way there, through two flights? How do I wrangle her car seat? Do I take the stroller, or do I assume I can wear her in the sling all weekend, even when walking downtown, and run the risk of getting there and finding out it kills my back? (By the way, I have purchased the sling but haven't figured out how to use it yet so I don't even know if she will tolerate it, let alone be happy spending an entire weekend in it. And she is not the type, so far, to sleep peacefully while out and about. She is the "cry lots till someone picks me up" type.)

In addition, I am having major guilt feelings about the expense. I just don't know that I want to spend all that money this year, especially when I want to turn right around and leave for California (MAJOR expense) just a month or so later.

So what to do.....what to do? I am so torn. On the one hand it would almost be a relief to decide not to go. On the other hand I enjoy it so much and I'd almost feel guilty for NOT going. However I also have to keep in mind that the fun I have had there the past two years has been without a baby in tow. There's just no way my experience would be the same this year as the previous two, and I can't see how it would be improved by having Eliza along. Robert is no help. I mentioned there was no guarantee Eliza would be doing better sleep-wise in another three weeks and his response was, "Well, she might!" So, yeah, not a lot of help coming from that quarter (not that he should be making the decision for me, anyway). I know that if I don't go when the weekend rolls around and I'm sitting here, knowing it's going on without me, I will be blue. But then I keep going back to the fact that I am putting it in the context of me being there, alone, having "me time" and that's just not how it would go this year. This year it might, quite possibly, be more work than fun, and why should I spend that much money for something that's going to be a lot of work? I could stay home and work for free.

I really don't know what to do. I change my mind every five minutes. Yesterday when Robert and I were discussing it, literally five minutes after the words "I don't think I'll go" came out of my mouth an episode of "Road Tasted" came on Food Network. Where were they? Louisville! So that started me thinking, "Hmm, is that a sign??" Then Eliza cries, or is up from 2 a.m. till 3:30 a.m., like she was this morning, and I go back to thinking, "Forget it! There's no way I'd have nearly as much fun as usual." Then the Beatles come on XM and I hear them and think, "But I HAVE TO go!" Which makes no sense. Nobody there is expecting me to show up. I haven't made any friends at the festival that I plan to see while there. The only person affected by my not going is myself. It's not like the Beatles, themselves, are there and expecting to see me. Perhaps that's part of why I'm waffling. Maybe I have a subconscious feeling that I will be somehow letting the boys down if I don't go. Of course that makes NO sense but it's sort of part of the curse of being overanalytical as I am. I guess I just feel like I hate to waste the opportunity. If I don't go this time it's another whole year before I can go again. I suppose to really decide I need to imagine myself doing all the things I do there only with a baby in tow. The problem is I don't know how to imagine her acting and that is a big factor in the decision. I honestly don't know what I could expect from her, behaviorally. She could enjoy being outside around all the people or we could get there and she could spend much of the time crying, leaving me perpetually nursing or, even worse, being confined to the room.

I don't know what I was thinking, trying to do this. It would've been much better if I'd just planned all along to skip it this year.

Just a quick update while my hands are free for a few, brief moments:

I'm still here. Also still living, which is a big bonus.

Eliza is doing better at night -- well, at least up till 5:30 or 6:00. We're getting 2-3 hour stretches out of her, in her own bed. However, early in the a.m. she starts grunting and wriggling and squeaking and it takes a good hour-and-a-half to get her back to sleep -- by which time it's time to get up with the older two to get ready for school. I had forgotten all about it but JZ did this exact same thing around this age and I never did figure out why. He grew out of it after a while so hopefully Eliza will soon, as well. Unfortunately she's also now giving me some trouble during the day. She doesn't seem to want to stay asleep more than 20 minutes at a time. Yesterday and today it's more like five minutes, if I'm lucky. I'm getting a bit frazzled because, though she will pay some attention to her gym and bouncy seat, that only lasts a few minutes. Mostly she wants to be held and eat and it's very hard to get anything done. I sort of count on her naptimes for a little "me" time -- you know, for such luxuries as feeding myself, showering, etc. I'm still clinging to the hope that at some point soon we will have both nights AND days arranged into some sort of manageable routine instead of just one at a time -- sooner rather than later!

In exchange for all the trouble, though, she smiled at me yesterday. No, it was NOT gas! It was in response to my talking to her. She also cooed twice. Then she gave me another quick smile this morning, too. I seem to recall JZ was around 3 weeks old when he first smiled, too. As I mentioned, she's also starting to show a little interest in her baby gym and the toys on the toy bar of her bouncy seat, so that's a big plus. With Robert being gone overnight regularly and me being responsible for morning and nighttime routines by myself it's a big help to have something that will keep her occupied and happy for a few minutes while I tend to the other two or do some other small task. I think we've got to the point that those items' helpfulness will only increase as we go along.

Eh, there's probably more to say but she is awake yet again after a five-minute nap so the crying is about to start and I have to dash.

Eliza is not doing very well at night right now. She had a few decent nights in a row and I got excited that she was starting to establish a routine. But then, Saturday night, everything went downhill and has been horrible ever since. Basically we are talking up every 30-60 minutes all night long, with maybe a 90-minute block or two hours if I'm lucky. She's asleep right now (8:30 p.m.) and I'm stressing out over it because the more she sleeps now the less likely she is to sleep well tonight -- if there was any chance of that to begin with.

What's bumming me out is I want to enjoy my time with her right now. She won't be this little for long and it's my last shot. But I'm finding that, instead of snuggling in and relaxing, I am sitting here dreading tonight, instead. If she was sleeping decently at night I wouldn't begrudge her the sleep she's getting right now. I'd love to just settle in on the couch with some dessert and one of my t.v. shows and hold her while she snoozed. But it's hard for me to do that when I know what's coming later.

I think maybe if Eliza was my only child it wouldn't be so bad because I wouldn't have anything to do during the day but sleep when she slept and get caught up. But I have two other kids to take care of so I have to keep going and going whether I am exhausted or not. Heck, I think even if this was Friday or Saturday night and Robert was home I wouldn't be as stressed out because I'd have help and I wouldn't have anything looming over my head tomorrow. But my parents are leaving at 4 a.m. to head home and Robert is gone until tomorrow night so it's all me in the morning doing the entire pre-school routine, dropping off, picking up, then taking Madalyn to her first t-ball practice.

Bottom line, though, is that no matter what the following day holds, it is really difficult right now. I'm exhausted, sad about my parents leaving, sad about Robert going back to work and at a loss as to why Eliza's schedule is so backwards. I already do everything "they" say to help your baby get its days and nights sorted out. For all I know it could be something else; something I'm totally missing. And how long will it go on? That's what's eating at me. I know it won't go on forever but it could go on for months and months and I don't know how well I will hold up if that happens. After all the fuss about me wanting her to hurry up and get here I feel like a jerk complaining at all. I mean, it's not like I didn't know I was going to lose sleep after she got here. I just didn't expect quite this much upheaval. JZ was a lousy sleeper but even he was good for a few hours at a time. I am completely befuddled by this every 30-60 minutes business. The only thing I can hope is that she has been going through a growth spurt. Also in the days since things went bad she was nursing a ton during the daytime. Today, though, she seems to have cut back a little so maybe.....just maybe it was a growth spurt that is now winding down.

Whatever it is I just hope it passes quickly so I can enjoy my girl more. I want to enjoy this stage instead of hoping she'll hurry and grow past it.

Last Monday, at the doctor's office, Eliza was down to 6 lbs., 9 oz. -- an entire pound down from her birth weight. She had to go back today for a quick check to make sure she isn't getting jaundiced (she's not) and she was weighed again. She is now 8 lbs. -- up a pound-and-a-half in one week!

I guess I can add milk production to the short list of things at which I excel.

Oh yes, and she's up to 19 3/4" long (was 19" at birth). She is now, at two weeks old, "only" two inches shorter than Madalyn was at birth.

Not only did Eliza have a great night last night (four hours of sleep in a row! In her own bed!) she also wore her first Gymboree outfit ever today, along with her first pair of shoes (Robeez).

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